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"attempts to establish definite diagnosis failed"

by comrade commissar | Thomas | @ Friday, February 11, 2005, 1:24:00 AM

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PS: 1-2 weeks before this, Mel & me broke up again for the second (& most likely final) time.
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I dreamt this morning. We were in the place where there is no darkness. This place was less of a room than a realm, no doors, walls, or boundaries. There was just an generic armchair, & an equally typical "you've-thought-you-saw-the-exact-same-one-everytime-on-TV" psychiatrist's couch.

I was seated in the armchair. The female patient laid reclined on the couch. I knew instinctly I was the psychiatrist. My stopwatch, which appeared from who-knows-where, gave a loud click! with a press of my thumb. She started talking instantly. I see her talk, but I don't hear her. My attention becomes divided between her & my papers on a clipboard from out of the blue. I listen to the nothing echo from the person on the couch, across the white clinical void, to what I thought were my ears in my dream. With apparently great intent & effort I penned down long detailed transcripts of nothing onto my papers.

FLASH. I was the patient on the couch. I stare at my another-self writing down things I cannot see, to the things which I say. I talked continuously, even as I observed. I find that I apparently strained my head up to maintain this view. Even in my dream, I feel a real aching sensation penetrate right into my subconsciousness. I rest my head & neck, & stare up at the blank infinity above. Instantly I get into a trace-like state. My eyes became wide & unblinking. I was a meek & docile lamb, at the whim & command of the only other individual present.

In the dream I had full self control, but was also sedated. I visualised & perceived another person apart from myself. But paradoxically, I am she, & I had sat up to stare across at me. I blame too many years of Literature lessons, breaking down the 4th wall too damn often.

FLASH. I'm back in the chair. FLASH. I am the patient. These switches in personalities occur in regular intervals. A dialogue of sorts begin between the 2 MEs. I see my patient self, bleating a silent monotony. I hear my doctor-self asking her countless questions, most of which I've forgot since I woke up. As the patient, I strain my head up to see him pause- to nod his head, or make some other gesture at the clipboard, before writing again.

Then bits of conversation became audible over time. I thought I caught parts of the Q&A session between the doctor & the patient. I thought I heard the Doctor-Me, & he had my voice. I know that the patient was not ME, & that every once in awhile, I thought I hear a familiar melodic female voice. But when my point of view was directed anew on her this time, lost words that were muted mutterings before were heard again. But in the deep coarse voice that I know is mine.

"For the prize of a peace of mind & a conscience put to rest, the question is - What went wrong?" "You wanted too much change. You were too afraid of change. You were paranoid. I had plans. You had plans. We had different ones." "Yes. No. I concur. I contend. I know. I don't."

I know. I think I know. I don't.

And- FLASH. I don't see anything before me. Back in the dreamless part of the sleeping phase. I woke up 5 minutes, or hours, after that.

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