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catharsis

by comrade commissar | Thomas | @ Monday, November 22, 2004, 1:08:00 PM

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"Only if we have irreconcilable differences. Or if one cheats on the other." I really never thought it would be because of the 1st clause. Not that the 2nd was any likely either. She said we have different personalities & aims. She has a different future destination, thousands of miles away geographically, duration of stay: hope-crushingly indefinite.

Before this she said, "I think I'll tell you after you finish your exams." I thought it was about my crummy behaviour the whole month, problems that could be ironed out. It was my fault, I was a dick. "Don't worry, my study mode won't be affected." I say. She tells me. I was wrong, you were right. And I was devastated.

I walk home dazed. What normally takes 15mins feels like 5. Longest 5mins ever. I thought I trekked past wrong neighbourhoods. I reached home, I call her. Yes, its over. Strangely, we then laughed & joked & settled some stuff. Still friends? Cool. Keep in touch online? Sure. She said she always thought this sort of conversations would be bitter, violent, or both. I thought the same too. I thought I was insanely calm & jovial at the time. I now realise I was going the breakup phase of initial denial. Mirth overwhelms me. I make one of those self-depreciating jokes, that I noticed the beginnings & ends of our tryst were really funny. I say that if I were to hypothetically write scripts for comedy shows, I would write a Titus-like episode. And the blackest of black comedy laughs would be at my imaginary character's expense. Then she tells me in an almost euphoric state how she really likes the Drew Carey Show. I say really I didn't know that. She then tells me about 2 of the characters - Kate & Oswald. I think I heard wrongly so I laughed & said "Katie (Mary-Kate) & Olsen?" She giggles a little says yah I say ok then what happened. She then goes on about how Kate & Oswald got together as a couple, how at first everything was dandy, & as time went on things happen & doubts & she's not sure anymore & he's not aware but happily makes plans for future & in typical dramatic-TV-show-style she breaks the bad news to him right at the blinking altar. She pauses, seemingly waiting for the expected laugh track coming from my end. I don't, breaking down into the phone, into the chair, into my shirt, until I don't even realise the slobbering sad piece of shit I'm turning into, until I don't even realise I was still holding the phone & going to get my ass kicked by my parents if I spoilt the mouthpiece by getting it wet.

I am a fucking sitcom character. I am bloody fortune's fool.

Eventually I calmed down. I don't remember what else was said after that. Was in a complete daze. Think I said bye, slept a hard dive into oblivion. I wake up the next day uncertain, unsure whether I'm now in dream or reality. Apprehensive, I waited 2 hours & then called her. Maybe its all a crappy nightmare, maybe I was delirious on something, oxygen maybe. She reminds me again. I became more calm in the days afterwards than I expected I would be. Like it was detailed beforehand as a planned routine. "Programme for the day: Bad news, break up, breakdown, refreshed." Sometimes I think "calm" is another word for "numb". Every single word, a stabbing poniard. Stupid ironic prophecy.

I still can't believe at times that its over. Once in awhile I still dial her number instinctively. Too late, call patched through. I say sorry, for what I don't know at times, or maybe for my sad excuse of an attempt to try to cling on to vestiges of a better past. That doesn't mean that I didn't try those first few times.

Eventually, I would cope, & move on. It's painful, but nothing was regretful. The 'us' in the past had great times, from friends to more than friend. Going back to being friends is a second best. You remain wonderful.

[+] click to comment / view comments. 4 comrades have contributed.

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So are you. Wonderful, that is.

I miss you like hell, but I'm still convinced this is the right thing to do. Praying for your history paper later today - good luck.
- by comrade May-Lynn @ times 2:24 AM, November 23, 2004 [delete? click on the dustbin.]

I'm sorry to see the two of you have broken up. Never really knew much about what went on between the both of you but the way Tom described it seemed wonderful. I guess all I can say is to cherish the memories of both of you, and that there will be others to come along, and that to be glad it didn't end in a worse way. And that's all I can say.
- by comrade Jeiel Aranal @ times 2:35 AM, November 23, 2004 [delete? click on the dustbin.]

Hey papa..just read ur blog. breaking up is hard but i guess its all part of life's experiences.letting go is hard i noe..been there before..aniwaes, just wanna say dat if EVER u need to just talk it out..u never noe,i cld understand,so just drop me a line - 90068714. we cld chill and talk at de cafe again if u want. remember tom,we're not just classmates...we're friends.and friends are there for each other.The ELKS got ur back dude, as a grp and as individuals. U know who to call. -Kin
- by comrade N @ times 1:30 AM, November 24, 2004 [delete? click on the dustbin.]

thanks guys, for all the thought & concern.

i think i'll have a very hard time explaining some changes that have occured between the situation at the time of the blog entry & the CURRENT one now.

but dun worry, everything's fine now. :) once again, thanks everyone.
- by comrade Thomas @ times 10:34 PM, November 26, 2004 [delete? click on the dustbin.]

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