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| by comrade commissar | Thomas | @ Sunday, January 14, 2007, 2:06:00 AM | permalink |
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Amazingly, today I managed to describe the undescribable. Imagine the entire universe coming to a standstill, and on Earth, the entire planet comes to a complete halt; right to its now completely-frozen-solid core. What would that world be like? Howling winds, deep chilling winds blowing over frozen rock & snow, like the stock footage of artic landscape shown on Discovery channel a million times before, plus once more? Wrong. It will be silent. There will be no movement what so ever. The temperature will be so low that its goes beyond human conceptions of 'coldness'. An entirety stretching out in all directions, of bleak empty silence. An absence of any activity of any kind, a pause held indefinitely. That sort of describes the way I'm experiencing daily life these days, and yes I can tell its not quite a normal state of mind, body or soul to be in. Its a commonly shared human feeling - to not feel 'happiness' of any sorts. What really disturbs me however, is that I not feeling the supposed corresponding emotions of sadness either. Neither, nor. Its like I'm held in stasis, this unshakeable moment of limbo. I think that having spent 2 years in the army had me give up on trying to tell people about how I feel, either to the people moving on, getting on with their civilian lives outside, (they will not understand. rather, they cannot.) or worst, the lethagy-apathy ears of fellow conscripts sharing day to day experiences of crappiness. The whole desire to express myself died perhaps, one time while we were out in the field. The rain coming down upon us hard, from since morning till midnight till morning again. Lugging our deadweights of guns & backpacks, our skin a continental land mass of pain/itching/myriad of other discomforts. We walk to yet another muddy-pooled dirt track junction, barely able to make out the various paths leading out into the thick forested darkness in the heavy deluge. This junction looks exactly like the one we had past half an hour ago. And the one before that. "Check the map again, and the compass. Where are we?" "I don't know." "... Huh? What do you mean?" "I - don't - know." You don't hear the rain, like bullets, pattering all around. You don't feel the wind, piercing deep coldness sweeping through you. You only sense the awkward numbness. Withdrawn, that complete absence of any sort of sensation. |
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